your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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