dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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