Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
