im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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