I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
