I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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