We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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