Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
