I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
