omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
