So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
