$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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