It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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