I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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