Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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