Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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