Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
