If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
