i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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