I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
