Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
