I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
