my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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