Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
