We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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