she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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