Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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