Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
