Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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