i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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