I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
