Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
