alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
50% drunk capacity currently
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
