fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
