Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I want to fling myself into the sun
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
