I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
