Plan B is the new Plan A
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
How external is "for external use only"?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
