I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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