I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
