we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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