I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
