Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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