I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
