Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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