Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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