I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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