Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
