just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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