Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
