Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
