So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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