Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
