wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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