fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
